Ok, I know that this has nothing to do with the environment, but I have several close family members who are going through divorce. So I thought I would share what I have learned about the dissolution of the institution of marriage, at least from a guy's perspective.
I'm no expert on divorce -- I've only gone through it once and don't intend to repeat, but I did learn to live with it. So here are things I learned, some the hard way, some with the help of friends and others. Take what helps, toss out what doesn't.
1. Divorce is not fatal (although marriage typically is). As Shakespeare wrote, "Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love." Relax. you'll live. The sun will shine on your ass again. Today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today, unless you are a Redskins fan, then you're eternally screwed.
2. Focus on the kids, if you have them. If not, don't go out and try to make some with your ex's best friend. Continue to be Dad. You're divorcing your wife, not your kids. Talk to them, listen to them. This is scary, probably one of the most butt-puckering, frightening things they will go through as children. When communicating with your ex or soon to be ex about the kids, make it business-like and positive; don't be a jerk. Your kids deserve you to be you. Also, if your ex is getting re-married, that doesn't mean that you will stop being their father. Only dying will cause you to stop being their dad, and I don't recommend that. (See item 1 above.) And if your ex's new guy loves your kids, great! The more people that love your children, the better off they will be. (That was taught to me by an exceptionally beautiful person.)
3. Don't be a rotten jackass. There's a big difference between being a dumbass and a rotten jackass. Don't be bitter, that's boring. Don't spew out blame to whomever will listen, that's boring, too. Easy to say, hard to do, but try, would you?
4. Keep your finger off the send button. Ah, the beauty of e mail and texting. It is so tempting to blast your ex with a barrage of nasty, scornful, hate-filled messages. Been there, done it, felt good about it at the time. Knock it off. Hate is never a good thing, and your ex can always use those messages against you. More importantly, doing that just continues to foster the negative nature of the situation. Think before you send. Abraham Lincoln had a habit of writing nasty-ass letters to his generals and others, and then sticking them in the drawer of his desk. After a few days, weeks, etc., he would take another look at the letter and then either rewrite it or just toss it.
5. Beer and booze do not help. Trust me on this one. Drinking only makes things worse, a lot worse. You'll end up getting fat, a DUI, the kids taken away from you, beaten up in a bar, sitting around a crummy apartment in a soiled wife beater t-shirt, or all of the above. None of those are an asset in anybody's accounting ledger.
6. The guys don't want to hear about it. Seriously. We're guys. We don't talk about this stuff. The most we should say is "That sucks, dude." Sitting there and pouring out the sordid (or not) details of your unraveled marriage to your friends is not a good idea. It's boring. Smile, say thank you and move the conversation to baseball.
7. DO talk to professionals, if you think you need it. Professional counselors, therapists, etc. have thriving businesses for a reason: they help people. I have been to counseling many times and it always helped. Help can range from psychiatrists to licensed social workers to groups at the local church. Get it if you need it.
8. Exercise. I can't overstate how much exercise has helped me through this rough patch. It puts you in a better frame of mind, eases anxiety, etc. etc. You know all the benefits, so, to quote a famous shoe company, just do it.
9. God. Faith, prayer, meditation, all help. I'm not a bible thumper, but I have been able to rely on my particular faith. It didn't make things all better, no angel came down and kissed me on the forehead, but it does help.
10. Divorce does not define you. You're divorced, big fat deal. You and a zillion other people. Being divorced doesn't define you. It isn't a filter through which you have to view life from now until you die. Your friends aren't going to think of you as "my divorced dumbass friend Joe." They'll just think of you as "my dumbass friend Joe."
It is what it is. Walk it off. Live your life. The world spins madly on
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